


(i never let them see) the worse of me

by orphan_account



Category: All Time Low (Band)
Genre: Anxiety, Bullying, Coping Mechanisms, Death, Denial, Depression, Friendship, Grieving, Help, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Loss, Love, M/M, Memories, Past, Relapse, Self-Harm, Suicidal Tendencies/Ideation, implied suicide, past self-harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-30
Updated: 2018-01-30
Packaged: 2019-03-11 13:14:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,293
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13525020
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: At least Jack loved him.He needed Jack so bad.





	(i never let them see) the worse of me

**Author's Note:**

> heyo mate, thank you so much for being such an awesome friend and for making me happy. you give me hope that maybe i'll be okay. i hope you like this and i apologise in advance. i appreciate your existence so fucking much x
> 
> i love you <3 <3
> 
> [i suggest listening to words fail from dear evan hansen while reading maybe i had that on loop as i wrote this.]

**“no, no one can really see** **  
****'cause i've learned to slam on the brake** **  
****before i even turn the key** **  
****before i make the mistake** **  
** **before i lead with the worst of me”**

* * *

****“Just fuck off Gaskarth,” one of his classmates sneered. “No one wants you here.”

God did Alex know they didn’t. The laughs behind his back were growing clearer and clearer than ever. He had hoped that they were just a figment of his twisted imagination, but they weren’t. The stares of disgust made his form hunch over, his hands were shaking worse than they had been in forever.

* * *

Relapse was constantly on his mind, he craved it. He needed it. Snapping a rubber band on the skin of his inner wrist couldn’t help forever. The red marks from the elastic glared at him, urging him to go back to the thing that took so much away.

Reduced him to a mess of tears and shadows and screams and… nothing.

* * *

He was alone in the lunch hall like usual - over the course of the past few years he’d made the attempt to sit with his classmates, but he got the message. The message that they didn’t want him there.

Slowly taking his soft fingerless gloves off his hands, he always wore them - they were like a sanctuary almost. When he wore them he felt safe. He had drawn hate on his hands in a fit of anger - where he knew his mother wouldn’t check. But all that remained was a few scars that he knew he deserved. So the gloves hid his little shadows from the prying eyes of the world. He took a bite of his sandwich, it was ham and cheese - easy to make in the morning so he could get out of bed at the last minute. It didn’t really taste of everything really.

* * *

But he knew Jack would be sad if he didn’t eat something today, so he did.

He knew Jack loved him at least, he took the blade from his trembling hands and helped him in the night so he wasn’t so alone anymore.

Jack wanted him. His voice soothed the roaring demons in his head. He stuck with him like no one ever had done.

He’d always be there. No matter what. Jack never really said “I love you” anymore, but Alex knew he did. He had wrote that he loved Alex countless times after all.

* * *

“Where’s that fucking elastic band?” Alex cursed over and over under his breath. He needed it, he needed it, he needed it. Rian looked over at his anxious friend, Alex was curled up in his chair, punching his leg and scratching at the scars on his wrist.

“Hey Lexy,” Alex’s head snapped up at the nickname, it made his heart race. But then he saw it was only Rian and his heart resumed it’s normal pace. “Did you lose something,” Alex gestured soundlessly. Rian had a vague idea what he’d misplaced but needed to make sure he was correct. “Did you lose your rubber band?”

“Fuck… yeah Ri... I did, stupid me,” He laugh was empty, Rian handed the boy his slightly healthier coping mechanism. As Alex slipped it on his wrist, he looked at the brunette beside him. “How did you know?”

* * *

The wave of realisation hit him again, but they had to be strong for Alex. So he faked a smile with all he was and replied. “Jack told me.” Alex smiled at the mention of his love. His eyes weren’t smiling, they were dark. They were sad. He knew something was missing, their hearts still hurt when Jack didn’t get back to them.

Zack looked over at Alex who was in Rian’s gentle arms, holding his friend tightly. “Hey Lex,” Alex looked up at his friend. “You should go see him, you haven’t in a while, I think you need to.” Gaskarth nodded, not absorbing the information - he wasn’t there anymore, he was somewhere else. Somewhere he didn’t want to be. He was falling headfirst into the memories and he hated it. The screams of the shadows grew louder and louder and louder second by second. The sting, the throb of elastic being snapped against soft skin did also. **Snap, snap, snap.**

Then it stopped. There was blissful silence.

* * *

Zack was gripping Alex’s wrists in worry, slipping the band off, he stuck it in his rucksack. His wrists were red raw, eyes tearful, body trembling.

“I’m sorry Zacky,” Alex whimpered, hoping his voice wouldn’t betray him. “It still hurts, I want it to stop. I miss him so much, Zack, I need him so fucking bad.”

Zack shook his head sadly and hugged Alex close, protecting him from the shadows in his head for just a moment - a moment which was enough for the drowning boy.

“Never apologise, Alex,” he kissed Alex’s temple gently. “It’s okay to hurt, but just know we’ll share your pain. I- I miss him too okay? We’ll be here, Ri and I need you too, please.”

Rian pressed his lips to Zack’s for a second, before whispering to the nervous boy.

“We love you Lexy.” And for the first time in a while - Alex’s smile was sincere.

“I love you too.” And he meant it. He loved his friends so fucking much.

* * *

It was getting late. Time was rushing by him, leaving the lonely boy to his own, unsafe, devices. The blade was just out of his reach, but at the last second, he put it away. Alex was closing himself off, pushing away the truth so it didn’t sting more than it did. He didn’t want to believe what was right in front of him.

He didn’t want to believe in anything anymore. Maybe Ri was right, he needed to see Jack. It’d been too long. Far too long.

* * *

Oh joy, it was raining. Alex was wearing only a thin hoodie and some ripped jeans as he hurried to find Jack. The gates looked more sinister tonight, the moon was brighter. It seemed the stars were screaming at the broken boy what he simply pushed away.

Because it couldn't be true. It couldn’t be.

* * *

He was wandering in the dark, walking the same path he had exactly a year ago. Of course Jack would be waiting in the same place, he would never leave Alex alone again. He promised. You don’t break promises. Even though Alex, himself, had broken far too many.

He saw his love’s resting place.

The stone shimmered in the moonlight, illuminating the letters placed on it with love and care.

* * *

**Here lies Jack Bassam Barakat**

**Beloved son, brother, love.**

**_“Say Goodbye until it Hurts, stormy skies, and fireworks”_ **

**18th June 2000 - 30th January 2017**

**We miss you already Jacko**

**xoRi,Zacky,Lexy**

* * *

****“I miss you Jack,” Alex felt his heart shatter. “I’m sorry I couldn’t save you like you saved me - I’m sorry I wasn’t enough. Sorry I never will be.”

* * *

Alex collapsed punching the ground in anger, screaming at the heavens. “WHY DID HE HAVE TO GO? IT SHOULD HAVE BEEN ME, I SHOULD BE GONE! I NEED HIM! I- I need him so fucking badly, please,” The broken boy’s heart broke all over again.

“I love you Jack. I love you so much. Thank you. For saving me.”

And he welcomed the memories past the bucking floodgate, they flashed in front of his eyes.

* * *

_Alex was curled up in Jack’s arms, the other pressing kisses constantly to his boyfriend’s lips, making sure that Alex knew he loved all he was - even though he knew Alex despised his scars._

_“I love you too Lexy,” he smiled brightly. His smile had lit up Alex’s world. It still did._

_“I love you too, always and forever.”_

**Author's Note:**

> i'm so fucking sorry. please don't hate me.
> 
> comments/kudos are appreciated and make me tres happy xo


End file.
